Miscarriage. Just hearing the word brings up so many emotions for me. It has been years since we went through ours, but the emotions as I try to write this out can still be so raw. Today is Pregnancy + Infant Loss Awareness Day, and as I saw that on the calendar, I knew I needed to share. I am hoping if it just helps one person, it was worth the tears and heartache of reliving it. So here we go.
If you asked me when we first started having kids, I never could’ve imagined how lonely going through a miscarriage would be. And yet now I know that pain, because I’ve been through 3. My life has been changed immensely from these events, and I feel the mercy of my Heavenly Father and the tenderness of my heart change towards anyone who has ever struggled with this.
Before I get into the details, I do want to say, we were so extremely blessed in being able to get pregnant right away with our first three little people. And I know that is a huge blessing. I never had experienced anything hard in this area before, and infertility was honestly something I knew nothing about. I had loved being pregnant and never skipped a beat with the first 3 babes. Life was great and we couldn’t wait to add number 4!
Shortly after Hayden, I had been begging Joe for another baby. I just knew the time was right and “I” was so ready. Joe on the other hand was overwhelmed with Anesthesia Residency and was not ready to add another little one yet. So we waited another year. During that year I started to feel uneasy about trying for another baby, like something was going to happen or go wrong. The feeling never left me, but I kept telling myself I was getting worked up for nothing. We will be fine.
In November of 2013, my youngest sister got married. After the beautiful ceremony we hugged each other, and I of course was bawling in disbelief that my baby sister was this old. While we were hugging, she asked if I had just had a miscarriage recently, because she kept having this feeling about it. I was shocked! We hadn’t even started trying and in the moment, I knew it was coming. It was almost like Heavenly Father was trying to prepare me for what I thought would be only ONE miscarriage.
Fast forward to January 2014. We were finally ready to start trying. I was beyond nervous and just knew this was going to be one of my trials in life. The end of March came and we lost our first baby. Nobody can ever prepare you for the pain, emotion, and feeling of loneliness that comes with a miscarriage. It was so beyond raw I thought to myself, there is no way I can get past this. I kept thinking, you knew this was going to happen so why are you having the hardest time.
It didn’t help that Joe was on a 24 hr shift and I was miscarrying while trying to get the three little people fed and ready for bed by myself. I couldn’t stop the tears from coming, but I was trying so hard to hold it all back until the little people were in bed. I really didn’t want to alarm them or let them know something was wrong.
The night was long and lonely. We still hadn’t told anyone we were pregnant so I felt like I couldn’t even call my mom. We always wait a really long time before we tell anyone we’re expecting. The next night Joe was still on a really bad shift. I couldn’t hold it in and lost it after the kids were down. I couldn’t get my feelings in check, so the phone call to my mom happened. She listened to me cry for hours and all I could think was that I wanted my mom there right then to physically hold me and take this excruciating pain away. It was truly like my heart had physically broken in two, and a feeling I will never forget.
April 2014, we decided to try again. As broken as I was, I told myself I could do it. There was no way I was going to have a second miscarriage. The first month we try, not pregnant. And I thought, wait, this hasn’t ever happened to me before, what is going on? (which shows you how easy it typically was for me to get pregnant) Second month of trying, I know we are pregnant, but I refuse to take a pregnancy test. I am full of this sick feeling of not trusting my body. If I take the test, then it is real and the chance of losing another becomes reality. I make a doctors appointment, but still won’t allow myself to take the test.
It’s is now June and I start spotting. The panic sets in. Of course it’s two days before my doctors appointment. I try talking myself out of it. This was so not happening again. But it did, and again Joe was on a 24hr shift. It was a little different this time, because instead of the instant heart break, I pushed it aside and never dealt with it, because “maybe” I wasn’t pregnant. I never took “the test”, right? So I went to my doctor’s appointment two days later and it was a miscarriage. But I still push it aside.
After our second miscarriage, we decided we would try just one more time. I wasn’t sure I emotionally would be able to handle another loss, but at the same time I knew we just weren’t done having kids. I knew there was still one more baby that was supposed to come to us. We got pregnant once again, and once again I was scared out of my mind. But I stayed hopeful. This time I told my mom right away and had her swear to not tell a soul.
Mid August we headed on a family trip to Hawaii including my parents and siblings. I was feeling confident this pregnancy would stick. I was almost 12 weeks and thinking I was just about to that “safe” stage. Somehow the pregnancy came out while we were hiking one day on the trip. My sisters both flipped along with my dad and the realization started to set in for me, that this might really happen. I still didn’t want my kids to know, but somehow they overheard later that day. Their screams of excitement + happiness I will never forget. It was such a sweet moment and I just knew our baby was finally coming to us.
We got home from Hawaii and I could hardly wait for my first doctors appointment in two weeks. Two weeks came and so did the spotting. I was devastated. I was 14 weeks and having a miscarriage yet again. And you guessed it, my luck happened and once again Joe was on 24 hr call. I honestly was starting to lose my faith in God. How could this happen 3 times + my husband not be here for any of them? What had I done wrong to have to go through this? After 3 consecutive days of seeing the doctor she decided a D&C was the only way to go, since I had not yet passed the baby. I was still in shock that this was happening. It was like I was stuck in this dark hole and I’d never be able to get out.
The day of surgery came + the pain inside made my whole body ache. Walking up to the mother and baby unit was the worst. I lost it. Knowing I was there losing my baby and all the other women were there holding their new sweet little ones, broke me. I couldn’t help but feel so bitter and upset. I didn’t want to feel this way and that hurt me even more.
The week after the D&C was a long week. For some reason my mom was not able to come down and Joe had to go back to work the next day. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to wake up because then I would have to feel, and I was worried about being alone again. But then something happened. I had been praying harder then I have ever prayed before. I prayed daily, even hourly that the bitterness would go away. That I could just feel some sort of comfort and be grateful for the three little people I had.
My soul still yearned for that baby, but I could soon feel the comfort of my Heavenly Father like I have never felt before. It was like I knew I was supposed to go through this so that I could feel what so many other women feel. So I could truly feel that sympathy and be there for others that have had to deal with this same thing. The love we received from family members, friends near and far (some that I had never meet in person), and church members was beyond any other love I had felt. My heart was so filled with the love and compassion that others had shown me and my family. I was staring to see the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father and I was filled with peace for those next few days.
Fast forward a few months later. We took a break, started doing our research, and working with the doctors bi-weekly. Once again we were pregnant, but this time we felt ready. This current pregnancy started out as TWINS, but we lost one. I was torn, confused, and frustrated. But once again the Lord was there to get us through it. We were finally blessed with our sweet Houston.
Reliving these memories are never easy for me, and the overwhelming ache still comes back when I think about that time. But I have come to realize that I am not alone. There are a lot of other women going through this same thing, or still dreaming of getting that positive pregnancy test. My heart aches for you as I now know the pain and loneliness that comes along with miscarriage. I am just so grateful to other women who shared their stories. The comfort it brought me in those dark moments I can never thank them enough. I am hoping that our story can help comfort maybe just one person going through this difficult time in their life. Know that I am praying for you nightly and think about you daily and you are not alone.